


Some Time to Think

by melodiesofrigel



Category: Tales of Berseria
Genre: F/F, Heavy Angst, SUFFER WITH ME, all of the angst, ending spoilers, minor oc’s, some mild themes of depression, tragic lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 14:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21254606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodiesofrigel/pseuds/melodiesofrigel
Summary: It took her years to finally realize how she felt.





	Some Time to Think

**Author's Note:**

> hi i just finished playing this game  
it broke me  
now y’all are suffering along with me  
enjoy

In the blink of an eye, she was gone. 

It was over.

Eleanor couldn’t stop her knees from giving out, couldn’t stop the tears that left cold streaks in their wake. Deep down, she knew Velvet was at peace with her decision. But for a moment, that didn’t matter.

Eleanor knew she was emotional. _Obviously_. Her superiors wouldn’t stop giving her a hard time for it, but she never grew out of it. It was simply a part of who she was.

_This_, though.

_Why does it hurt so much?_

As soon as Velvet disappeared, the brave face she tried to keep on shattered, leaving her broken and sobbing.

Somewhere in her mind, she registered a pair of arms reaching around her shoulders in a hesitant embrace, before several more pairs of arms joined it and enveloped her in warmth.

“There, there.” It sounded like Magilou’s voice. It did nothing to calm her. She wanted to scream, to reach out, to do something, but all she had the energy to do was sit there and let the tears pour.

Even though they had won, even though Artorius was dead and Innominat was no longer a threat, part of her couldn’t help but feel like the world got slightly colder that day.

***

Slowly, steadily, Eleanor pulled herself back together. 

For around a week after Velvet’s disappearance, she stayed in a cave near where Maotelus resided. He offered her words of comfort when she was willing to listen, but most of her time was spent replaying the same images, the same memories in her head.

Velvet, a determined fire in her eyes, glaring at her over the end of her own spear.

Velvet, her face illuminating with a rare but sincere smile.

Velvet, a cheerful innocence attempting to break through the stoic tone she had adopted when she was under Melchior’s illusion.

Velvet, shattered and distraught at what had become of her brother.

Velvet, the passion reinvigorated in her features as she came back to her senses.

Velvet, a gentle smile fading away, along with the rest of her.

It was always Velvet.

Eleanor felt so _weak_. Her friends were probably out there, trying their best to make the world a better place, while she had cooped herself up in a little cave to brood.

_Why can’t I move on? _

“You cared about her.” Eleanor jumped and spun around, spear in hand, only to be met with the face of a now-familiar Empyrean.

“Of course I did,” Eleanor said. “We all did.” 

Maotelus closed his eyes. “I know. But you can’t stay here forever.”

Eleanor sighed. “It’s hardly gotten easier,” she admitted.

“You’re still grieving. If it helps, I can tell you that she’s happy.”

“That’s good.” It was difficult to keep her voice steady.

“Your friends are worried sick about you,” Maotelus whispered.

She groaned. “I suppose I have duties to fulfill. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow,” he said, nodding. “But please, visit as often as you like.”

“I will. I promise.”

***

Having to adapt to her new title as the Shepherd so soon after her friend’s departure was… difficult. The title itself had come to have enough negative connotations to leave her slightly skeptical, and part of her almost felt like she was betraying Velvet by taking up the name of her enemy. Still, Midgand needed a Shepherd, and she was selected as the most suitable for the job. It wasn’t like she had much of a choice. 

There were people helping her, too. Her old friends were at her back whenever she needed it, and when things got exceptionally rough, she paid a visit to Maotelus for advice. It was astonishing how wise the kid had gotten in the past few months.

Maotelus was able to update her on what Velvet was dreaming about. Going on a journey with Laphi, helping Celica and Arthur raise Phi, spending time with Niko.

“She really loved her, you know,” Maotelus said one time.

“Huh?”

“Niko. Velvet loved her.”

Something unpleasant nestled into Eleanor’s stomach at the words, but she paid it no mind. “I can see it. The way she greeted her--well, illusion-her--in Aball…”

“She’s happy with her,” said Maotelus, and the feeling only got worse.

***

Then there was Brinald. A handsome young priest from Southgand who was sent to assist in reforming the Abbey. His chiseled jawline and deep brown hair was enough to make anyone swoon. In other words, the perfect guy. 

Eleanor befriended him immediately. He was charming, and kind, and he always understood her. He had come from a long line of exorcists who practiced the more strict Abbey teachings, but disproved of their methods and wanted to bring a new purpose to the organization. It didn’t take long for him to become her favorite person.

So when he nervously approached her with a bouquet of flowers and a hasty confession, she couldn’t bring herself to refuse.

Their relationship was a brief one. He began wanting things she was far from willing to give him, and she couldn’t count how many times she had cried herself to sleep, wondering if she made the right choice. Eleanor’s lack of physical affection eventually led to Brinald confronting her about it.

“Is there someone else?”

The question caught her off guard. “No, not at all.”

Brinald sighed. “Listen, I care about you. A lot. It’s just… is there a reason you’re holding back?”

A pause. Then, “I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean?”

Eleanor took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I’m not sure I want this. With you.”

“I suspected as much,” said Brinald, turning away from her. Her eyes widened, but she let him continue. “I know you’re hurting. Even if you don’t want to talk about it, I know something’s up. As much as I want to be there to get you back on your feet… I don’t know if I can do that like this. As a boyfriend. Does… does ‘friends’ sound good to you?”

Eleanor let out a long breath, almost shaking with relief. “That sounds fine.”

***

Five years passed. Eleanor decided it would be better for her to focus on the Abbey, and romance would only get in the way. She still regularly talked to Maotelus, listening intently as he described Velvet’s dreams. 

But one day, she noticed his usual wise demeanor had a hint of childish nervousness. It served to remind her that deep down, this was still Phi.

“What is it?” she asked.

Maotelus cleared his throat. “Velvet’s dreams… I realize that I cannot and should not hide this from you.”

Eleanor closed her eyes. “Just tell me.”

“She dreams about you. A lot.”

Her eyebrows went up at that. “How so?”

“Living together. Teaching you how to cook. Stargazing. Helping Celica and Arthur raise…” he hesitated, “the boy I used to be.”

“So, in other words…” Eleanor let the sentence trail off, her heart pounding in her chest. _Does he mean…?_

“Romantically.”

“Oh.” She was at a loss for words.

Maotelus seemed to understand and gave her some time to process. All the little moments suddenly took on a new context. The late night talks on the deck of the Van Eltia, the teasing, the endearing gazes.

“She loves you,” Maotelus finally said.

Eleanor was still silent.

“I doubt she realized it at the time. But I think some time to reflect brought it to light.”

_Some time to reflect on feelings… _

“Yeah,” Eleanor said, her mouth dry.

***

One of the hardest things she had to do was finally admit, to herself and to her friends, that she likes women. Of course, they were incredibly supportive, even Brinald. 

Brinald was the one who introduced her to Sarine. Sarine was a wild girl with fiery red hair and an even more fiery attitude. Eleanor wasted no time in getting to know her, and when Sarine casually asked her out over dinner, she happily said yes.

Still, there were cracks. Sarine’s short fuse and impulsiveness was often too much for Eleanor to handle. She became harder to please, demanding more and more out of the Shepherd until she had nothing left.

It all happened one night, when Sarine pinned her down on the bed, flashing her that addictive smirk she always did before making Eleanor forget her own name. Her fingers trailed down her stomach, her touch like a feather, and Eleanor held her close, nails digging into her back.

“Velvet,” she whispered, and covered her mouth, immediately regretting what she had done. The flip was switched. Sarine sat up, all of her previous passion gone.

“Who?” she demanded.

Eleanor moved her hands to cover her entire face. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you cheating on me?”

She gasped. “No, Sarine, it’s someone from my past. I’m so sorry.”

Sarine got off the bed and slipped back into her shirt. “You know what I think? I think I’m done.

“It won’t happen again!” Eleanor was crying again, the words coming out of her mouth unstable.

“No, I think I’m done. With all of this. You’re too caught up in this religious business to spend any time with me. So I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to move on.”

Yet again, the things Eleanor wanted to say were caught in her throat, and she could only watch as Sarine walked away.

***

The next day, she went back to Maotelus to tell him what happened. Part of her felt bad for pestering a literal Empyrean with her relationship drama, but Maotelus had insisted on listening to whatever she wanted to say, regardless of how miniscule. 

He listened and listened as she poured her heart out and let her cry as much as she needed. When she was done, he gave her some time to think before he spoke.

“You love her,” he said.

Eleanor slumped against the cave wall. “I thought I did. But now I’m not so sure.”

“Velvet, I mean.”

That was... Okay, it wasn’t _that_ unexpected. Her reaction was nothing more than a small gasp.

“I think I have,” she admitted. “For a while. Probably since before she… you know… But I just never realized it until now.”

Maotelus bowed his head. “I’m willing to bet it was the same with her.”

_If only I realized it sooner. _

_If only she knew. _

_If only I could tell her now. _

_If only… _

***

Her chest heaved from physical exertion. She wasn’t used to this kind of running, especially at forty years old. 

When she finally arrived at the site, Maotelus was waiting, and she could’ve sworn he was wearing an amused grin.

“Well aren’t you excited,” he said. “So, do you want to see her?”

Out of breath, Eleanor nodded. She couldn’t tell if her rapid heart rate was from climbing up the stairs or from the unrestrained joy and anticipation that had taken hold of her.

Maotelus stepped to the side. Behind him stood a painfully familiar figure in a painfully familiar attire. As had always seemed to happen when it came to thinking about Velvet, Eleanor was at a loss for words.

Instead, she ran up and threw her arms around the woman, ignoring the tears.

Velvet leaned back and smiled, _smiled_ at her. “I’ve missed you.” Her voice was just like how Eleanor had remembered it, only softened by the passage of time.

She was _happy_.

This was the girl she had always wanted to know. A cheerful, humble woman who valued her family above all else.

Finally regaining her voice, Eleanor said, “I can’t believe it’s actually you.”

Velvet chuckled. “Believe it.”

“I’ve… I need to tell you something. Something I should’ve said decades ago.”

“Same here.”

“I know.”

Velvet’s eyes widened. “Wait… you know?”

“Maotelus told me,” Eleanor said matter-of-factly.

The other woman’s face lit up pink and her lips curled into a frown. “Phi, that little bastard…”

Eleanor laughed. “Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“It’s true, though.”

“Hmm?”

Velvet smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Eleanor wanted to stay in that moment forever. No responsibilities, no Shepherd duties, no obnoxious suitors, just her and Velvet.

Velvet combed her hand through her own hair, clearly avoiding eye contact, a very visible blush on her cheeks. Eleanor had never seen her so bashful.

_It’s cute. _

“I kind of really want to kiss you right now,” said Velvet. Without hesitation, Eleanor cupped her face and brought their lips together.

As soon as she did, everything vanished.

***

Eleanor woke up, a crying, sweaty mess. The all-too familiar dream was still dancing in the back of her mind. It was the same every time. 

And no matter how many times she pictured it, how many times she wondered how things could’ve been different, she’d never truly know.

Velvet would never know how she felt.


End file.
